Day 31

A New Year: A Better Future

At the dawn of a New Year
Nothing really changes.
People gather together
People pray
People hope for a better future.
A future in which our sins are erased
And we start with a clean slate.

I wish for a new future.
I wish for freedom.
I wish for peace.
I wish for friendship.
I wish for banishment of hypocrasy.
I wish for love.
I wish for acceptance.
I wish for new beginnings.
I wish for endings.
I wish....

Well, I just wish for a better future.

Day 30

Resolution

Here they come
The promised wishes of a future
Whole-hearted claims of change.
Spoken truthfully
Yet these changes
Are accustomed to fail within days.
Truthfully,
Is this what change we wish to make?

A few days into the New Year
Are the days with the most change
Are the days were everyone works harder
And after that
It's back to the way we were.

Day 29

Quotes To Live By

"Women are meant to be loved not understood." -Oscar Wilde

"Carpe diem. Seize the day! Make your lives extroadinary." -Dead Poet's Society

"And those who were seen dancing were thought insane by those who could not hear the music." -Nietzche

"Time you enjoyed wasted is not wasted time." -T.S. Elliot

"I read somewhere...how important is in life to not necessarily be strong...but to feel strong." -Christopher McCandless

Day 28

What is there to say
When nothing is to be said?
What can I tell someone
Who does not want to be told?
How much difference can be made
If being different is a sin?
What can be taught
When people do not listen?

What can I do differently to make a difference
In a world where being different is the same?

Day 27

Random


1. I hate throwing away pens and pencils. I will legitimately go out of my way to avoid throwing them away.

2. Clowns terrify me. Seriously. I hate them.

3. Music that is popular never shows up on my playlists. Ever.

4. My favorite movie is Dead Poet's Society. It is followed closely by Almost Famous and 10 Things I Hate About You.

5. Meeting famous people is like crack to me. After interviewing Ben Folds, I couldn't calm down for hours. I know celebrities are just regular people, but it feels like a brush with something much bigger than myself.

6. I've attempted and completed many odd things in my life, but I've never been able to stick to a set exercise routine.

7. In all honesty, if I was stranded on a desert island, I wouldn't care what "one item" I had. I'd be more focused on trying to survive.

8. (500) Days of Summer was one of the most honest movies I've seen in a while.

9. Doing this public blog is one of the riskiest emotional things I've done in a long time....and that fact makes me a little sad.

Day 26

Insomnia: A Rhyming Poem

Laying in bed
Can't stop thinking
Unable to sleep
Unable to stop blinking.
My mind is too focused
Thoughts are swirling
Night is passing fast
I feel like hurling.
Why can't I sleep
When others can easy
It seems unfair
It makes me queezy.
What can I do
To fall asleep
Maybe if I stop thinking
I can sleep.
But I can't stop thinking
And that's the thing
No matter how hard I try
My thoughts seem to win.
Until the tiresome night
Reaches late, late, late
Unbeknownst to me
Sleep drags me away.
Too soon I'm awaken
After another fitful night
Not really awake
Quite a sight.
Those who sleep fine
Never will know
The bed is a tomb
For those who can't doze.

Day 25

An Ode to Christmas

O, Christmas
Even as I grow older (and wiser?)
I still wait for the rush of walking down the stairs
To a fully adorned Christmas tree
And presents for me.
It doesn't matter what they are
Or how much they cost
It matters that presents are exchanged
And delight on faces as they are received.
I love these sights....
And I love everything about Christmas.

I love the smells of Christmas
The ham cooking in the oven.
The pine tree...

I love the sounds of Christmas
Although Christmas music always sounds better Christmas morning
And ONLY Christmas morning....

I love my family and friends that surround Christmas
And I love everything.

Day 24

Spend some time together
The season is upon us
To spread cheer and hope
A season to enjoy
A season to indulge
A season of hope
A season of joy
The beginning
But the end of a year


To imagine a new and hopeful future.

Day 23

Acrostic Poetry

Personally written
Over a good span of time with
Enough energy and
Tenacity to
Really sound interesting and
Yet appear personal.

Day 22

(I recently remembered in 2000, I made a time capsule for myself at the age of 8. Now, in 2010, at the age of 18, I will open it up to see what my 8 year old self left my 18 year old self. I can't wait. :D )


Time Capsule

Dig deep into the earth
Uncover past mysteries buried inside
Set aside for the future.
Little hands but big ideas
Precious trinkets worth little monetary value
Are priceless tokens from the past.
Value is not in silver or gold
But in rust, dust and memories.

At the eve of the beginning
It is important to look behind
If only to see how far you've come
Or how far you've fallen behind.

Day 21

(This didn't exactly come out as planned. Originally, the idea is for a ridiculous children's book called Lenny The Good-Natured Hobo. Thoughts anyone?)

Lenny

He never bothered anyone
Just sat alone in the market corner
Bumming some extra change
Or maybe some coffee.
He wore the same clothes he had worn for fourty years
Patched and torn
But loved and worn.
Holes in his boots
And belongings on his back
In reality, he traveled to hell and back.
Years of trying to make a difference
Led him to the corner
Of Ridgemont and Fairview
Next to the Wirl 'N Wash.
There was always a smile on his face
Through the grime
And the etchings of time
His smile shone through.
It was like a beacon of light
In the dismal place.
He always had something nice to say
Or something encouraging as people walked by.
When I passed him
I couldn't help but stop
And wonder what could make this man happy.

Years later I had to smile
Lenny knew who he was.
He knew how to live the way he wanted

And in the end,
How to fight the man.

Day 20

Night falls
On a college campus made of stone
Casting eerie statues
Echoing footsteps as I walk…
Oasis on repeat
Never liked their music before
But it’s the night tonight, I think
To take a deep breath of cool air
And take in everything around me.

Day 19

Smells of the Season

Pungent cinnamon
Coupled with warm apples.
Freshly baked honey ham
Buttery, crumbly biscuits.
Vanilla bean candles
Burned to their limit.
A freshly cut Christmas tree
Pine filling the living room
While the smells of cooking
Fill the kitchen
Blending into an odd arrangment
Of all smells of the season.

Day 18

Winter Stretch

Take a deep breath.
Relax.
Stretch.
Time that has so quickly passed
Now stops to catch its breath.
Endulge, explore, create
Spend some time alone
But spend some time together.
Release the collective sigh
And enjoy
Christmas.

Day 17

A page torn from my diary
Doesn't tell you all about me
Why would you think it could?
It is a part of me
But not all of me.
Don't think you can understand me
With a quick glance
And predetermined responses.
Things you've heard
Things you might have said
Are not the truth
Unless you know me.

You don't know me
And by the way you act
You never will.

Day 16

Cold

Cold skin cold lips cold touch...
Cold heart.
You are winter breeze through the frozen trees
Never stopping too long
Only enough to gather warmth
From passerbys.
Misty air looks beautiful
When it frosts across the plain
But it never remains.
You are frozen
Frozen in time frozen in belief
Frozen in love.

Day 15

I go to write a beautiful poem
A beautiful work of poetry
That could stand alone to represent me....
Time, night, books....
Gone.
My ideas float out my dorm's window
To the ground in the night air.
Poof.
What is left to say
When nothing is on my mind?
All that's left
Is a blank page.

Day 14

The Hippie Manifesto

The time has come
To spread our wings
And catch what winds we can.
To become one with the universe
And decide what it means for us.
To be free of worldly possessions
Worldly cares
Worldly worries
And be who we were meant to be.
We are not alone
But we are wiser
Than those who worry
About what others think of us.
We are free from the normal cares and concerns
Of our ancestors.
And we embrace the future with open arms.

Day 13

Remember

I will always remember…
Those first nights of pure freedom
And the air, cool and welcoming
Blasting my favorite music and not caring who listened in.
I will always remember…
That old man who pulled me aside
And thanked me for being the only one who cared.
Reading that beloved paper
That I had spent hours on
Then having it destroyed by red pen.
I will always remember…
Awkward moments with a once close friend
And feeling the distance between us.
The memory of that girl’s anger towards me
And growing stronger because of it.
I will always remember…
That I didn’t speak up
When I knew I should have.
Falling for him
And having my heart broken.
And yes, I still feel bitter.
I will always remember…
I will remember
I will remember.

Day 12

I feel…
There is a constant flow of regret and unspoken truths
That flow through my veins.
There isn’t medicine made for this type of hurt
Nor any cure I know of.
No solution.
I can’t move forward or backward
Without tripping over my own heels.
Until I say what I need to say.
But I don’t know what that is.
How can I tell someone
What I can’t tell myself?
Why can’t I speak the truth aloud
Instead of crumbling to a mix of sighs and nods?
I. Love. You.
And you’ll never know
Because I’ll never tell you.

Day 11

What can I write about that has not already been written?
This alone haunts my thoughts.
Nothing seems original
How am I to compete with what has already been done?
I watch others before me
In vain attempts to gain some insight
A secret that I might have missed
Instead I feel as if I can never
Never match up.
My own work
Seems meaningless
Pointless
When I see what has already been done.
Moved to tears
Frustrated beyond measure
Unable to move forward.

Take a step back.
Breathe.

Day 10

Leak

Drip drip
There's a leak and it's killing me
Drip drip
Echoing through my mind
The dripping, dripping
Drip drip
Of a leaky bathroom sink.
Can't anyone else hear it?
Drip drip
I can't think
Why doesn't someone turn it off?
Drip....
Pause.
...drip.

Day 9

Drama Queen

I feel so alive
With sequins and glory
Showing the world what I got.
Strut the stage
Cavort around.
Working what I got.
I don't care what you think
I don't care who you are.
I bring the moves
You bring the admiration.
Damn straight you better be afraid.
'Cause nobody does it better.

Day 8

For John

For someone so full of peace
To fall to such an act of hate
Seems a bitter symphony
On a beautiful life.
So full of youth and ideas
To challenge authority
With youth-like innocence
Yet simulanteously acting adult.
Your words, years later
Hold meaning to my own life
In ways I hoped you had imagined all those years ago.

What would you think of this world now?
I could just see you now
At the front lines of authority
Praising peace and love above all things.
What would you think of what you left behind?

A world without you seems empty and lost.
I wish I could have known your world.

R.I.P. John Lennon

Day 7

Reflections

You'll never know how much you meant to me
Because you never felt the same.
You'll never know, you'll never care
In five years you'll forget my name.
It never meant anything to you
You'll be long gone by then
In a way...
I'll never fall for anyone like you again.

After wiping the tears of my past
Across my red sweatshirt
I realize you couldn't mean much
If you could treat me like dirt.

I'm better without you.

Day 6

Do it for the fame.
Do it for the glory.
Do it for the round of applause.
Do it for your name in the history books.
Do it for them.
Do it for your teachers.
Do it for your parents.
Do it for the future.
Do it for the children.
Do it for your country.
Do it for him.
Do it for her.
Do it for them.
Do it for us.

But don't do it for you.
Because you don't know what you want.
And until you do
You will always be doing what they want.

Day 5

"Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterward." -Robert Heinlein


Spoken aloud
Words fail
The right ones only linger
Lightly above the surface.
Written down
Words can be changed
They can be erased, removed, forgotten.
I can control what I write
And I do.

Why can't I speak them aloud?

Day 4

Morning
Crisp winter air
Pulls covers closer to my face
The incessant ringing
Wins the argument.
The busy stone jungle
Is silent in the morning
There are only a few brave souls
Early-eyed coffee drinkers
Morning runners in their skin-tight outfits
Insomniacs giving up their losing battle
The happy cries of a child in the distance.
There are hushed footsteps
This morning
As if the world is still asleep
But not us.
We are awake before the world knows it was sleeping.
The cold air wraps itself around the weary
And holds on tightly
Winking in its brilliance
As they roll over in bed.

Day 3

I found this in one of my old computer files that I never shared with anyone. :-)

Ouija, rhymes with Fiji

I am unable to purchase a Ouija Board.
Sometimes there are just logical fears and mathematical reasons why something happens or why a certain thing falls a certain way. Logic states that everything needs a reason. Probability states that 70% of the times I tried to purchase said game, I was being watched by little green men.
My whole problem began when I was over at a friend’s house for a birthday party. After the usual games, accompanied by some chicken-chasing (did I mention she lived on a farm?), I played my first game of Ouija with a mutual friend. Not only was this board exactly like the original, it glowed in the dark, so we played it in the dark. If something says its waterproof, it most definitely means, ‘Use it in water’. However, I wouldn’t suggest this with fireproof things unless you like the United States Federal System.
In the course of an hour, I learned the answer to life’s most important questions
Q. Did I get an ‘A’ on my last test?
A. Maybe. (Seems like a logical and plausible answer any psychic would charge for five dollars.)
Q. Does he like me?
A. Yes. (However, I did forget, in my anxiety to specify who I was asking about. It could have easily have been Jesus or my father, and not Adam Lamberg like I wanted it to be. If you are unaware of whom that person is, congratulations you’ve missed an era of life you will never get back.)
Q. What will my husband’s name be?
A. CWX…… (I assumed initials. Ever since then, I’ve checked all attendance sheets for men with ‘X’ last names.)
Well, the last one doesn’t count because not both of us were, “focusing our energy” on the Ouija Board. It sucks too, because it would have been nice if it would have worked for me (or if she had just pushed it to spell out that little boy’s name.) But, the point of all of this is something interesting.
About two years ago, I re-remembered the little story I have just told you and something told me that I should own one of these Parker Brothers classic toys. Now, I headed to the local mall for casual shopping. Not only did they not have it, I’m pretty sure they weren’t planning on getting it. That’s when I made the mistake of asking a friend for one. Her response? I think she crossed me and might have thrown holy water in my eyes.
It had never occurred to me that Ouija Boards are mass-produced cult devices aimed at our children in an attempt to re-program them into satanic work robots. Of course it deterred me from buying one, but…I still looked. Come on man, I was only like ten. What horrible sins did I have?
The next time I saw one, it was at a mall about forty-five minutes farther than the last one. In fact, they had several. Which made me wonder, did this mall now care about the souls of its customers? I was considering selling my soul, I mean cash for one, but I was very short on cash. Let me tell you something, satanic devices are not cheap, my friends. What intervened that prevented me from purchasing a Ouija Board that day? Was it fate, or cheap-skate bosses charging five seventy-five an hour, even on weekends?
So, I came to an impasse. Was it really an instrument of an entity like God that communicated through a plastic lens and cardboard box? Why would Parker Brothers, who had created some of my favorite childhood toys, create an evil device? Logically, my mind told me that the whole idea was farfetched and insane, but I think after that, I never really trusted those Parker brothers a hundred percent. For instance, what did this make Candy Land? Was it trying to recruit young toddlers to be criminals? Take all you can in Candy Land, try to reach the border before everybody else catches up with you. Yep, sounds like that game is teaching essential life lessons for toddlers. Yay. And if Candy Land was in on it, was, dare I say it, Hungry, Hungry Hippos? Could it be a marketing tool for, gasp, McDonald’s? The possibilities became endless and quite disturbing.
Now when I reflect on my misadventures, I wonder whatever happened to that old faithful Ouija Board, the only one I have ever used. Perhaps I was not meant to own Ouija Board’s through divine intervention. The disturbing question is, why can I not own one? Why is it impossible for me to obtain one? Something is holding me back from the purchase, but what?
The possibilities are endless.
Unlike my inability to purchase a toy made in China.
Or is it?

Day 2

Night Air

Cold night air pours through the cracks
Of window panes and door frames.
Whisps of cradling frost
Shiver up and down the spine
Making me feel alive.
Wait until the eve of night
Until the coldness is darkness
Until it becomes your core.
Roll down the windows
Scream up to the moon.
Embrace the night air.
Dance in the wet grass.

Let go.


Breathe in.

Breath out.

Day One

It begins...
An unexpected journey
In the most unlikely of places.

Written words express the truth
That the spoken ones refuse to utter.
An outlet for the ideas that refuse to leave
That bubble to the surface
No matter how hard you try to hide them.

Carrying the torch
An unspoken promise.
365 days of words.
365 days of ideas.
365 days of discovery.
365 days of honesty.

A year later...
What will I become?